That awkward moment when you’re having a conversation with someone and you run out of things to say. Not that it’s ever happened to me, OK well, it happens all the time. Honestly, I’m not that good of a conversationalist; if you couldn’t tell by the title of my blog, I’m a bit awkward when it comes to social situations. I either say exactly what I’m thinking or I can’t think of something to say, or ask.
Have you ever felt that way? From what I’m told, most people have that experience at some point in their lives. We all seem to know someone with whom we’d like to be friends with… they seem like a great person, with an interesting story, but for some reason whenever you try talking with them it feels like you’re just licking envelopes. If you’ve never sent out over 100 letters before you might have trouble understanding my analogy, but doing a “mass mailing” is one of the most tedious and time consuming things. And having to seal all those envelopes becomes the bane of your existence.
I feel that way in prayer… a lot. I try to pray a lot. I say lots of Rosaries and Chaplets of Divine Mercy, I read the Scriptures most days, I say countless prayers for others, yet I constantly feel as if I’m stuck in this situation where I’m talking to a wall, or when it’s going well, I’m having one of those conversations where neither one of us seems able to find something to say. For me, this is a very frustrating experience.
As I ponder it, I believe it a profoundly good and necessary one. Because of this experience many of us think that we just don’t know how to pray, or that God isn’t listening, or that prayer just doesn’t work. But the reality is, the experience of dryness or tedious prayer actually deepens our souls and connects us to God in a profound way. Just like when a person who is trying to change his diet to eat healthy and get into shape; compared to the sugary, processed foods with tons of flavor, the healthy food is bland and boring. Eventually though, the person realizes that the healthy food is more robust and good than initially thought and those sweet, processed foods are sickening and simply make you feel awful.
In this awkward prayer, God is training us to let go of our addiction to emotional prayer and to trust in his goodness and love. Like in marriage, I don’t love my wife because of all the emotions she gives me, because honestly, they’re not all positive. Rather, I love her because of who she is, for her own sake. And that’s what God wants of us too! He wants a pure love, a pure life, a pure hope! Only in a pure heart, one that loves without thought of self can we truly discover who we’re meant to be.
In the “Song of Songs”, one of the most beautiful and powerful books in the Bible, we are told, “Do not arouse, do not stir up love before it’s own time,” (Songs 2:7). And I think this passage is talking about our addiction to emotional prayer. It is not a bad thing, but when we depend upon it to gauge our prayer lives, it can become deadly. Allow God to stir up and inflame our hearts, in his time, and remain faithful. You will be blessed beyond understanding. That prayer you struggle with will eventually bear fruit, in God’s time. Every night ends, no matter how dark. Before we know it we will declare, like the beloved in Song of Songs, “Before I knew it, my heart had made me the blessed one of my kinswoman,” (Songs 6:12).