Awkward Catholic

Living my faith as the awkward man of God that I am.


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True Stories of Love & Lust

That awkward moment when you finally admit to yourself that you’re an addict and that more awkward moment when you admit to your loved ones that you’re an addict.Jail

By the grace of God I was fortunate enough to recognize from an early age that I was struggling with an addiction; I say fortunate because the recognition of the addiction enabled me to struggle against it and not simply indulge with abandon. From the first time I tried to resist the temptation to indulge in my “drug of choice” and failed I knew I was addicted. I tried for years to free myself from my addiction but failed miserably; I could no more stop myself from giving in than I could stop a bullet with my teeth. It was only by the grace of God and the prayerful love of a faithful woman that I’m able to manage my addiction. That’s the thing about addiction, the pull never really leaves you; it’s why alcoholics can’t have just one drink.

I was recently asked to review a new book called Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn by Matt and Cameron Fradd. It’s a beautiful book about the wondrous grace of God and the restoration of love and wholeness found by couples who suffered through a porn addiction. At times the profound suffering experienced by the ten couples who share their stories seems overwhelming, but the victories won, the grace, mercy, and restoration given by God is what captivates and makes reading through the suffering so powerfully fruitful! As Rachel shares of her story:

Am I restored? I can say with certainty that being restored is not a single event we mark on a calendar to which we point and say, “Yep, there it is, that’s the day he fixed me.” Renewal is a daily choice we make each morning when we open our eyes and ask Jesus to help us lead our best life possible. Somehow, that usually begins with a measure of forgiveness.

I was restored the day I was baptized into the Church and again on the day of my First Communion. I get restored every Sunday during Holy Communion and in the quiet of the night while in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament inside our adoration chapel. I feel restored when I see my girls playing with their Daddy in our living room, when I hear them laughing, and I smile, knowing our family journey is just beginning. I am restored when I pause during the craziness of my busy life to realize how my choice to stay and fight is the only thing that shields our little girls from the brokenness and pain of divorce. It is a choice I embrace. Thank you, Jesus, for restoring me again today.

And in case you’re tempted to run from this book because of the topic, it’s not a book about porn, it’s a book about hope, grace, and mercy. Recently one of my awesome teens said, “Mercy is what gives love direction.” And in the stories contained throughout Restored, the mercy of God seeps through the pages. In this beautiful Year of Mercy Pope Francis gifted us, the unfathomable mercy of God becomes palpable and real through the stories of real people, real wounds, and real mercy.

Reading this book is a transformational experience, reading about the profound transformations and restoration of people who experienced profound trauma encourages and transforms my own spirit towards a more profound personal restoration. There’s a restoration and freedom that I’m still working towards, that God is leading me to; there’s a restoration that too many men in our culture desperately need and that this book holds out as possible. Through the grace and mercy of God “all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).Freedom

Whether you’re someone who struggles with porn addiction or have been affected by someone’s struggle, whether you’ve never struggled or may be married to one who struggles, this book is a moving and real depiction of the amazing grace that God offers through his mercy. We each have the chance to claim the very same mercy that the woman caught in adultery experienced, summarized perfectly by Paul in his letter to the Romans when he writes, “We know that all things work for good for those who love the Lord.” (Rom. 8:28)

 


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Gutterball Stuck

GutterballHave you ever given someone good advice that would truly help them in their life, only to realize that you fail to live by that advice yourself? I have. In fact, I have given this particular piece of advice about 150 times a year, for the last 9 years. Think about that, at least once every two days I told something to somebody (usually a different person) that I failed to follow myself. Have you ever met such a hypocrite?!

What advice am I talking about? Just this: that in order to become a saint, you need to pray, a lot more than what you’re doing now. You see, I am a youth minister and it’s my job to prepare high school teens for Confirmation. If you’re not Catholic, Confirmation is where a person confirms his or her faith in God as a Catholic and receives the outpouring of the Holy Spirit (the love of God). It is one of the seven Sacraments of the Catholic Church and is a big deal.

I meet one-on-one with each teen in the program twice, once at the beginning of their two-year preparation and again at the end, prior to their receiving the Sacrament. Each time I ask the teens about their prayer life. Most of them have progressed very little during their time in the program, which is natural, in a certain sense, for the average American teenager who’s more concerned about texting and enjoying life than about becoming a saint. OK, let’s be honest, that description pretty much sums up just about every single American, no matter the age, religion, gender, race or life situation.

I guess that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? We’re all kind of stuck in this rut, in this tired and routine way of doing things that prevents us from ever truly changing. I mean, COME ON! I’ve actually said the words, “You need to pray more, a lot more, because trying to be a Christian without a prayer life is like trying to be a pole vaulter without a pole,” over 1450 times in the last nine years and I’ve maybe taken two steps forward in my own prayer life.

What have I done to improve my prayer life in the last nine years? Well, I used to go to daily Mass; now I’m lucky if I make it there once a month. I’ve started saying a daily Chaplet of Divine Mercy… when I drive somewhere. If I don’t go anywhere that day, I don’t pray the chaplet. I say a Rosary each day, usually. That started about a year ago. But I usually only finish the full Rosary when it’s convenient, like when I have to spend time rocking one of my children to sleep. I have started trying to “practice the presence of God” in my daily life and I usually remember to do that once every other day.

What’s my point? I’m a hypocrite. I’m a hypocrite with a gift for writing and encouraging others to do what I’m so bad at doing myself. Could you imagine how holy my family would be or how effective my ministry would be if I actually started living the life I challenge my teens to live?! How many lives could I change if I were the person God expected me to be? Pope Francis recently said,

“Accompanying Christ, remaining with him requires a “stepping outside,” a stepping beyond. Stepping outside of ourselves, of a tired and routine way of living the faith, of the temptation to withdraw into pre-established patterns that end up closing our horizon to the creative action of God.  God stepped outside of himself to come among us, he pitched his tent among us to bring the mercy of God that saves and gives hope.”

If I had the courage to step outside of my routine, tired habits I could change the world, I could be that mercy and hope to others in ways I can’t even imagine. What are your tired routines, your pre-established patterns? For me, my tired routines are thus: driving home each night to sit down at the dinner table and help my kids to eat their dinner, engage in small talk with my wife, and put my boys to bed. Then we watch a show or play a board game and head off to bed ourselves.

Sure, we bless our food, we pray with the boys each night as they go to sleep and we pray as husband and wife as we fall asleep (when I’m tired enough to go to bed when my wife does). But those are such routine prayers! There are so many other opportunities to grow in my prayer life! But I’m like a stream of water, taking the path of least resistance. It’s easier to turn on the TV then to sit in prayer. It’s easier to play a game of chess on my tablet than to read Scripture or the life of a saint. It’s easier to check Facebook than to go to the church and pray (which is only 40 steps away from my office desk).

What about you? How can you change your tired routines to become the saint that God is calling you to be? You shouldn’t have to think too hard. I believe most of us already know what it is we need changing, but we lack the will to do it. As Saint Augustine once quipped, “Lord, Make me chaste; just not yet.”

I think there are only about 3 husbands/dads reading my blog at this time (and about 5 women), but who cares? To paraphrase Thomas Dubay in his book, The Fire Within, if only 100 people would become the saints that God has called them to be, it would set the world on fire. Three husbands/dads is a good start… only 97 to go.

How can we bust out of our tired routines? Even if we have to embarrass ourselves in front of our wives by asking for their help, what is it we can do to become great saints, to lead them into sanctity? For me, it’s reading Scripture with my wife each night after we put our boys to bed and before we turn on the TV; or perhaps we talk about our feelings for a little while; or, God forbid, I wake up early twice a week and take one of my boys to daily Mass with me (and then go for those beautifully unhealthy treats called donuts afterwards). I love donuts. Maybe one day soon I’ll love prayer even more.