Awkward Catholic

Living my faith as the awkward man of God that I am.


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Checking Your List for the Divine Invasion

That awkward moment when you see the horrible things going on in the world around you and you realize that this day, or any day, might be your last and that you aren’t prepared, that there are too many things left undone or unsaid. At the very least, you want to check off a few more things from your bucket list.Bucket

So, what’s on your bucket list? My bucket list has four items on it: To marry a beautiful woman, to have a family, to be published and to become a saint. Thus far I’ve accomplished 3 of my four goals.

What about you? If you haven’t actually made a bucket list, then at least ask yourself what you most want to accomplish in this life before you die. But then ask yourself why you want these things. Most likely there is some story behind your desire or need for each item on your list. Most likely you believe that obtaining those goals will bring you satisfaction or fulfillment of some kind. And most likely they will, to a certain extent.

But now I want to ask you what do you think is on God’s bucket list? The obvious answer is that he wants us with him for eternity. But really, that’s too generic, isn’t it? Your bucket list is most likely specific and concrete, why wouldn’t God’s be?

I’ve said this before but I think it bears repeating: why did God create the world?

The answer is simple: to love you; so that you would be here for him to love. You are the apple of his eye, the treasure of his heart, his precious. What God wants is you; simply you. Nothing else, nothing less, he wants you and you alone. Every star in t he sky exists so that God could love you.

But we resist this, don’t we? We look for our satisfaction just about everywhere else. Why is that I think? Why do we continue to seek the satisfaction of his love elsewhere?! I think a major part of the problem is that, for most of us, eternity is so far away, so distant into the future that it’s hard to think about, to live for. Rather, most of us are just trying to survive this week, or this day, aren’t we?

Yeah, I want to go to heaven but right now, I want more to make it through today without giving up, without being hurt, without hurting someone else or embarrassing myself or messing up or disappointing someone.

This, in a certain sense, in a very real sense, is the war we find ourselves in on an almost daily basis… a war with its most evil manifestations in the mass shootings and terrorism around us, but more importantly in the everyday lives of everyday people. None of us signed up for this war, but we find ourselves in it nonetheless.

Each day we find ourselves simply trying to survive the day and all these fears, hurts, dangers and traps are the weapons of the enemy, the devil. We’re so focused on these small battles that we forget the overall war, the goal. We make concessions saying that I don’t think I can obtain salvation, or I’ll worry about it later. Right now, I just want a little rest, a little peace and something joyful. To be clear, delighting in the everyday joys, the little things that make life good or tolerable are not bad. In fact, they are gifts from God. But the danger comes when we begin to make these little pleasures all we’re fighting for.

That’s why the idea of a bucket list is actually a good one. Typically, a bucket list contains things that are life-changing, life-defining, lifetime accomplishment type goals. They are real and concrete and help us focus on the long term, they help us to keep fighting and moving forward. But make sure those items on your list have the right priority. What is your #1? What should it be? If the love of God isn’t your #1 goal then you’re missing the point.

But let’s get back to this war we’re fighting. We’re getting ready to celebrate the Incarnation of Christ, where the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. Think about that for a minute, about how in this Great War, a war that has raged through all time and space, there was a moment when God’s plan had come to fruition and it was time to strike. And so he sent his army of One onto the front lines, a beachhead in the form of a baby in a manger… the Divine Invasion began and continues today.Nativity

In our lives, our minds and hearts, Christ comes again and again, in the silence and stillness. Just like he came the first time as a still, small baby; he comes to us now in a still, small voice. Not with guns or bombs or fanfare but in the silence of a still mind, a quiet, searching heart. Mark my words, strength to survive this week or the day will not be found in those small pleasures of things but rather in the stillness of silence.

Sure, silence is a terrifying experience for most. With all the countless distractions of today it’s nearly impossible to know silence. And this, I believe is one of the most potent weapons of the enemy. I know well the fear of silence. I had a difficult time growing up. My inner thoughts were filled with self-hatred and disgust and the thought of spending time with those thoughts, of wrestling with them was a terrifying one. Why would I want that?

But where else am I going to find healing and wholeness? It is in the silence where I am able to confront my wounds, wounds inflicted on me and those I’ve inflicted myself. Then, in his mercy he enters our hearts and minds, often unseen, and begins to heal those wounds and we find peace and begin living the eternity we are destined for.

This Advent, prepare your heart for the coming of Christ. Wrestle with the silence and hear the voice of God say to you, “You are my Beloved, with whom I am well pleased.” You are his Beloved! Sit with that in the silence. Let this truth overwhelm your fear and wash clean your wounds, you are God’s entire bucket list.


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Contemplation and Beatitude

SolitudeThat awkward moment when you can’t help think that all you want to do is run off and join a monastery and never have to speak to anyone ever again. It’ll be just you and God and all the craziness of the world can just keep to itself. I’m sure this feeling has a lot to do with my needs as an introvert, but at times I just want to run from my boys who can’t seem to stop talking, fighting, eating or crying, my amazing and beautiful wife who wants quality time, all the demands of my ministry, and the constant bombardment of news and controversies: flags, vaccines, wars, marriage, scandals, etc… basically, all the noise and busyness of life. And who hasn’t felt this way at one time or another.

Our world and lives are such bundles of chaotic noise and busyness, it seems to me we’re like a bunch of blind ants Angry Antsscrambling to rebuild our little pile after some kid keeps kicking it over. We all seem to be in a perpetual state of motion, and I believe it is destroying our spiritual lives.

Of course, I would never run off and join a monastery, I love my wife and kids and ministry. But the fact that I long for solitude is quite telling of how starved I’ve let myself become. We are spiritual beings as much as we are physical and just as our bodies need food, so too our souls. And while our main spiritual food is the Eucharist, it is incomplete without that interior connection, that deep interior rooting of our souls in union with God’s love; this is contemplation.

Contemplation comes only through solitude, times of silence where we are alone(1) with the Alone. We are built for rest, “Our souls are restless O Lord, until they rest in Thee.”(2) We long and hope throughout our pilgrimage on this earth to reach our final destination, heaven: where we can rest and with our whole being sigh, “Ah, at last I have found You; at last You have found me.” Our every longing will be fulfilled. There will be no more searching, no more crying, no more lack, for we will see him face to Face and know and be known.

This beatitude is one of contemplation, where we will just be. Should we not begin now? Each time we pray, “Thy kingdom come…” we seek that which we ignore or refuse when we opt for the busyness of the world. Where God is, there is His kingdom. And where is he found but in the silent recesses of our hearts. Why do we incessantly fill our lives with so much noise and distractions? I agree with Fr. Mike Schmitz who says that most of us don’t really think that prayer works(3). We’re afraid of wasting our time. The rest of us are afraid perhaps that the opposite is true, that prayer works and we’re not certain we want that to happen. Or perhaps we’re afraid of what we might discover about ourselves and about God if we let his voice be heard. Silence can be a terrifying thing.

But we must not let our fear or doubts stop us. This silence, solitude and contemplation transcends our physical and psychological natures. Introvert or extrovert, shy or outgoing, self-confident or unsure, we cannot know who we are meant to be without hearing the Word of God whispered in our souls, without seeing ourselves reflected in the eyes of our Creator, without probing the wounds of our Savior. To accomplish this stillness of mind and body is central. Silence and peace are necessary because contemplation is not merely thinking about God but about being in his presence and adoring him. Meditation is the active work of thinking about him, the mental journey towards the center where the King resides. Both Martha and Mary are necessary, but by far, Mary has chosen the better part(4).

Going back to Fr. Mike Schmitz, I do struggle with believing that prayer really works. If I honestly thought it worked then perhaps I would pray more. Perhaps I wouldn’t be so lazy at night and stay up late watching TV when I could spend time with my God, at least 20 minutes. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Each night I sit down and “veg” out on the computer or TV trying to recharge my batteries when in reality I need to recharge my soul. I stay up way too late and lack any energy to wake up early and start my day off in silence before the little noise makers wake up. But whether I think it works or not, I know in my heart it does. So pray for me as I struggle to make these changes, and I’ll keep you in my prayers as well.

The Summit

1) To be alone does not mean to be lonely. Some of the loneliest people in the world are surrounded by others. To be alone means to be in a place of solitude, even when in the middle of the crowd. To be lonely means to feel unloved.

2) St. Augustine, Confessions

3) Fr. Mike Schmitz: http://ascensionpresents.com/video/time-to-pray/

4) Luke 10:42